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Am I back to square one?2019-03-19T15:17:44-08:00

Self Help Recovery from Addictions Forums Anxiety Disorders Am I back to square one?

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  • Anonymous
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    I spent 5 years of my life with an abusive alcoholic. I was always on Addiction to Rehabilitation trying to find answers to help my boyfriend get through his addiction. I actually started recovering by working the steps. I didn’t think anything was wrong with me, until I realized I wasn’t happy either. My boyfriend and his needy family were my drug. Instead of needing a substance, I was needing toxic people to take care of…

    I was 21 when I got into the relationship….

    I guess I should start from the beginning. lol

    I grew up in a very small family. My Dad was an alchy from the get go. My mom is a lot like me. She wanted to take care of him and his daughter (my half-sister) from his previous marriage. They met in college….She saw the signs of the problem, but ignored it…and then they got married and here I am…

    So fast forward….I’m 5 and my father is cheating on my mother at this time, also drinking more, and taking pills….he was always so emotionally abusive to her…anyway, by the time I was 7, my mom put the pieces together and realized my father was cheating on her with a young teacher that was 18 years younger than my Dad…

    My Dad moved out and then married my stepmom 6 months later….they act like they never cheated, but I know better…they always lie about it….so Jackie (my step-mom) and her two boys move out of their broken down apartment to live the high life with my dad….my stepbrothers got everything…they lived with him, and I didn’t…my little brother and I kind of got put into “yesterday’s garbage”….

    We would see my Dad on the weekends, but after a while I didn’t want to go anymore because he would always be drug and so judgmental….

    My mom had custody at the time….totally distraught by her marriage and responsibilities, she started drinking as well…my life consisted of going to see live music and different bars, and traveling to see shows…I was exposed to lots of music and lots of drunks…a

    When I got into my teens, I was hardly ever home (and no one ever noticed)…lets see this is when things get really bad….

    I started drinking, smoking, doing coke, or really snorting anything I could get my hands on…I was 16…

    I’ve been raped multiple times, and even got pregnant from one. That’s when I had my first abortion. That was a wake up call…after that happened I kinda turned into a hermit, and stayed home and wrote, and puddered about on the internet. That’s when I met my first really good boyfriend. My life was coming together. He was a computer programmer, and I was going to school, and we had an ok life. Until he asked me to marry him when I was 19 and I freaked out, and said no…thats when I started drinking again….to “meet” new people because I had been out of the loop…

    I met my next boyfriend who was British, went to England, he asked me to marry him, and I said yes, but when I came back to America to get my papers in order, he cheated on me…soo…now here I am again..this time my mom moved to a different city so I had to meet all different people…how do I do this when I’m not in college and I’m 21…by drinking…

    So I met my last boyfriend who was the worst of all. He played guitar beautifully and that’s what drew me in. He was living in a house with a bunch of other people who played music, and life was pretty sweet. I didn’t see any problems because I was around alot of people my age doing the same thing…then we ran into his dad downtown…he hadn’t seen him in ages so we go to his house to visit…thats when all **** hit the fan…I should have called CPS…but I thought I could handle the situation. His dad wanted us to help him with his kids. His Dad suffers from SO many different mental illnesses…he retired navy, and gets 100% disablity from the government just for that….his kids got taken away and he fought for them back just for the money…he had them in a trailer with holes in the floor, trash everywhere, rats, no stove or oven, fridge was broken, no shower head….I had never seen anything like that in my life…so i cleaned the whole house, and then it went on for 5 years…I was taking care of my boyfriend who was abusive and would choke me, hit me, push me, and do this to the kids…and then his dad I had to take him to appts…and help him get his life together with SSC and just everyday living…and then the kids…making sure they were going to school and staying out of trouble (oh yeah, their mom was on heroin, so thats why she wasnt around)…anyway…to make a long story short…I finally realized that the stress was making my body physically hurt….I was 24 and felt 60….so I slowly detached myself, and when Cory and I moved to Nashville I left him. My best friend Catie moved with me, so it was an easy transition because I had a good support system. Cory moved to Oregon, and is in school now. He is actually made a good life for himself there….

    I met an amazing guy in the meantime. He is a Biology student, and super creative and smart. We always have so much to talk about…problem is, I’m trying to sabotage the relationship before it even takes off…When I first broke up with Cory I had a burst of self confidence…I felt strong and smart…but now that I’m with my boyfriend I feel like a loser…I spent most of my 20’s helping this stupid family, instead of getting an education…now, I’m with this guy who thinks I’m smart, but I feel so stupid because I don’t have any education or anything…I want to be the best for him but I dont think I am…sometimes I’ll hide in my room…I’m scared to say anything because I don’t want him to think I’m stupid, but then I look stupid by not talking….I dont like this, I dont know where to go or what to do…how do I start my life back over…I also find it hard to talk to anyone my age really…..I feel like I left the planet for a while, and now I’m back….

    How do I adjust back into the world?? I had the strength to leave…now I need the strength to live…..
    :c021:

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