AnonymousJune 13, 2017 at 1:43 pmPost count: 23
While I usually post in the New to Recovery forum, I felt this would be a more appropriate place for this issue.
On April 25th I got sober, so I have around 1 1/2 months of being off alcohol! Woohoo!! 🙂 Heres basically my journey so far.
Week 1: Hell of Wheels! Detox city! (did it myself at home)
Week 2: Felt like a new person! But of course still thought about drinking a lot.
Week 3: Still felt great, a little anxiety here and there.
Week 4: Pretty much the same as week 3. But started getting out on small walks.
Week 5: Anxiety from no where started to show up. Usually after Ive been awake for around 12 hours.
Week 6: Same thing as week 5, off and on anxiety everyday!
Alright so thats a quick run down on where Im at. I will also explain what I believe brings this on.
When I was drinking, I would drink a lot! In the last year of my drinking, I would drink around a 5th+ of vodka a night, or 3/4 a BOX of wine. In this same year, I would of course wake up hung over almost everyday. Of course feeling like crap. Anxiety kicked in that year. I believe because of the fact I started not to feel like a normal person without drinking. I was in a state of phycosis until I started to drink if you will. Fear of stupid junk. Fear of just walking outside my apartment because I was so spacey. That I would get confused and fall over or pass out – something to that effect. In the last few months of my drinking chapter of life, I started to bring small bottles of alcohol with me school (I am a college student), and sometimes drink in the bathroom in! Not because I wanted to get drunk, but simply to make this feeling go away. It was scary as hell.
As you can clearly see I was on a path to self destruction. Alcohol was completely controlling my life. And mind you, I am a very by the law/rules person. Bringing alcohol to school would be a big no no in my book normally, but that’s how strong the addiction and the anxiety was controlling me.
*Ill be real honest here. When I was sitting in a bathroom stall drinking that alcohol it was completely pitiful. I looked at myself is such disgust.
2-3 weeks after that is when I knew something needed to change. That I couldn’t drink like this forever, and in all honestly it just wasn’t fun anymore. I was drinking to normalize myself, and not for fun.
So now to my point! I just felt if I gave you all a small chuck of my anxiety background, it may help you better understand whats going on now.
Let me first throw out there that I have no craving to drink what so ever. I love waking up sober, I love life, I love the person I am becoming!
I do not like this anxiety one bit!
So about 1-2 weeks ago I started feeling those strange anxiety emotions again. I was doing just fine and dandy for the first month (outside of the first week of course 🙂 ). The out of NO where I felt like just like how I felt when I was drinking. Well I should say before I got the alcohol in my system. But I also think I mentally triggered it myself. The first time it happened, I was sitting at my desk thinking to myself I need to go to store to get some more tea because I was just about out. (Some of you may know Ive become this huge tea person since I got sober lol). So I’m sitting here thinking about getting this tea, and remembering how I used to fear walking to the store to get alcohol when I was drinking. I feared it because how spacey and weird I felt without drinking. So that single memory alone started to trigger fear. And then that fear triggered more fear. So here I am sitting at my desk in this now huge state of FEAR to go to the store because I mentally was remembering now I used to feel. I know there is a medical term used for that, I just cant remember the name. Its basiclly like when someone has a LSD flashback because they thought about it so much. So anyways, needless to say I didn’t go get my oh so precious tea lol. Instead, I sat at my desk in a state of panic. So lame!
Well thats the first time it happened since I got sober. In this past week, its been happening everyday. At first I thought it was the tea because of the caffeine. That the caffeine was triggering it. Well I didn’t drink tea one day, and still it occurred. I must also mention I dont get these strange feelings when I wake up. When I wake up, I feel completely refreshed. No irrational fears at all. Not affraid to leave the house or anything. But as the day ticks on, it generally will be triggered. Sometimes after 6 hours of being awake, sometime 12. I also notice it being triggered when I get tired. But its usually brought on when I start thinking about it. Ill tell ya the mind is a powerful machine! Why I poured alcohol over it for so many years Ill never know :).
And last but not least.
I know a lot of you may say go see a doctor. Well that isnt possiable right now. I dont have insurance or the extra money to pay for one. And in all honestly, Im quite sure I know the result of that. “Here take this!!” Yeah alright, ill trade in my old alcohol problem for a new pill one.. NO THANK YOU! 🙂
So what Im really looking for is people with some incite to this anxiety problem. I feel its starting to control me again. But not to worry, I absolutely wont drink because of it. Because honestly I know it will still be there even if I did.
Thanks for reading everyone! I know it was a bit of a long one! Im sure my it was my longest post to date on here. 🙂 But other than that life is good people! So many changes in my life since I got sober. All for the better! but that’s for another topic/post. Take care all!!
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