AnonymousMay 25, 2017 at 3:04 amPost count: 3
But I’ll start here & it may be disjointed so bear with me. Last time and the only time I believe I posted was back on 3/1/11. Not much has happened personally to me except I’m in more pain and discomfort than ever. I guess that goes w/the territory. My main focus here is to convey this feeling I can’t get rid of which is one where I miss my Rehab Center significantly. I went to a place in Central Pa. outside of State College, Pa. I loved it, loved the people and got off all of the junk I was on. They treated me like a King with so much dignity who wouldn’t love that. Is it normal to feel a terrible loss when you leave a 30 day program? And if so, how does one overcome it?
Now 220 days sober including no alcohol although that wasn’t a problem because all the pain medication was. I was on or had access to Oxycodone, 3 different strengths of Vicodin, Adderall, Xanax, Celebrex, Lexapro, Lyrica, Soma, Flomax, Lunesta: 1mg, 2mg & 3mg. No wonder I was a mess. I was drinking heavily the last year or so polishing off a bottle a scotch each week and chasing it with some Cappuccino alcohol drink that I was drinking in the morning and loving it. I have a degenerative disc disease and an auto immune disorder called Ankylosing Spondylitis in which I get an infusion for the pain and stiffness every 5 weeks with something called Remicade. Because of the degeneration I had to have my entire neck fused both front and back from C-2 thru C-6 with 16 titanium screws, 8 titanium rods and 3 titanium plates.
I retired in 2005 at the age of 48 on Social Security Disability. I was approved in 6 weeks without benefit of an attorney, 1st time applying and my 5 month wait period was erased even though I had been working full time a month before applying. I even got back pay for 5 months. I know people with Cancer who get turned down. Everyday I wake up it’s a battle. The reason I got addicted was because I started using so many different drugs together and would go out and run 5 miles nearly everyday. If I couldn’t run then I would escalate my usage to the point I felt like I was flying, feet off of the ground. Towards the end I would take a 15 pill combo of the above. You might think someone with my baggage couldn’t run then, guess again. One is bound to get into trouble doing this and I did. Not only with my body, tearing my Achilles Tendon but having right knee surgery and yet out running a week after that. My wife after 30 years was fed up and my kids rarely engaged me in any conversation at all. My Daughter didn’t want me to drive her children, my Grandchildren anywhere because she didn’t trust me. She was right.
So after getting out of rehab the day before Thanksgiving, what a blessing, it’s been a long road. I haven’t been tempted once because I now love getting 7 or 8 hours sleep where before I was getting only 3 or 4 Lunesta’s I was getting only 4 and that was a stretch. It’s so much better feeling pain and stiffness then it was getting numbed out of my gourd. Life is very difficult but so much more appealing when sober. I love everything and everyone now. But it’s also hard. I still isolate myself and avoid people. I did just convert to Catholicism and did the RCIA program recently and glad I did. Even though I have been born again since 13 I was a backslider. God has blessed me. I’ve seen many more than me down on their luck and it pains me greatly witnessing pain in others. Honestly, I have it easy. My wife takes good care of me, has a great job, has insurance that paid for my expensive treatment. I’m a slug, how could I ever complain.
I just wish I could get over missing the great times I had with others in rehab. I was afforded the opportunity to see the light and I did. I miss the people I met at AA and NA meetings while there. It was better than any vacation I have ever had. I just wish I knew why it’s so difficult to put to rest. I’m working on writing a story and at some point will want to get it published. The focus will be one’s life is never lost if you’re willing to fight the good fight to win over addiction. I never thought I could win. Part of it was I loved getting numbed and loved running. Sometimes I spent 4 or 5 hours at the track. It became a social event for me, it was my socialization. Now I have to confess I get bored so easy. I did get a part time job but it bores with me. I’m college educated and have had to sacrifice my career because of my condition. By 2 o’clock I’m in bed for an hour I’m so tired from fatigue which is a by product of this AS Disease.
God has smiled down upon me and I don’t know why. I constantly think of what meds I was mixing and then drinking on top of it and yet I’m still around. I did toy with the idea of going back to school for a counseling certification but I’m not sure how that works so perhaps I should source the information out. I know I could be an asset to younger people because I was afforded that luxury when I was away for those 30 days. A lot of young people were there with me, most with Heroin problems. Who knows. I do know this, whatever it is that plagues you, dig and dig deep for the answer or answers. The harder and deeper you dig, the better chance you have of striking pay dirt. Don’t be afraid to seek help or ask questions. Life is way too short to be shy. I certainly hope anyone seeking solace in the Lord or a Higher Power finds it. It does work if you open your spiritual side to it. We’re just mere mortals, never forget that. God bless all of you. Keep fighting the good fight. Any help, advice, wisdom is much appreciated.
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