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Contantly Hiding 2011-06-01T22:10:26+00:00
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  • Anonymous
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    Hey everyone. This is my first post on this site and I’m so thankful to have the opportunity to get somethings out, even if it’s just virtually right now. I actually have no idea what is going on with me, just like every other low point in my life. I’m an emotional trainwreck and entirely too self-aware that I’ve confused my own mind. I’m happily married, have two awesome kids, a full-time job that works great with my busy family but yet not one person knows that I’m dying inside.

    Every single day is a struggle and I force myself to face each day with the same happy face that everyone knows me to always have. But, if all responsibilities and morals went out the window, I would stay a recluse in my own little house and only come out on “good” days.

    I’m so so tired of this but I physically cannot make myself get help. I’ve tried therapy, anti-depressants (currently taking Wellbutrin and Effexor), rehab, etc. and all would be successfull for awhile. I’m just not sure if I was ever diagnosed properly or should I have been diagnosed at all?

    I went to rehab (about 8 years ago) willingly because of alcohol and the problems that came into my life because of it. I really LOVED those 30 precious days and think back on the invaluable info I learned on a daily basis because those life skills I learned can be applied for just about everything, not just about addiction. I know I’ve probably confused the heck out of anyone reading this as I tend to do often. I actually hate to drink, I hate all the feelings that come with it, and totally get it when it comes to what alcohol will do to a person’s life, but I drink to ignore the sadness within and too have a moment, even if it is just for a moment, of not thinking about it at all.

    Bottomline: I think I have a severe mental problem that has not been diagnosed and because of that, I’m allowing myself to drink these feelings away or ignore them and bury them deep, or both. I read a few threads on Borderline Personality Disorder and felt some comfort in those posts because the whole part of not feeling “loved” really hits home. I just don’t know what to do at this point in order to get some different results. My kids need their mom, 100%, and I need myself too.

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