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Dark thoughts within my mind2011-05-01T22:01:35-08:00

Self Help Recovery from Addictions Forums Eating Disorders Dark thoughts within my mind

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  • Anonymous
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    First all, I am so grateful this forum is here. I’m usually on the addict forums… I’ve been lurking for a while and have responded to some posts but I feel it’s time to share “my story” although I am sure it is not unique.

    I’ve suffered from eating disorders for the past 16 years (now 28) although recently I have “recovered” or so I have convinced myself. I say this because I have had periods over the past 16 years where I wasn’t active in my ed…so I don’t know if this is another of those times. I have never sought professional help for this as I am poor and have limited insurance.

    I have a host of other issues but I will try to stay on topic here.

    I was sexually mentally physically abused from 2-17 at the hands of my bio. “father” every single miserable day of my childhood. I discovered bulimia when I was 12 years old and that day, I found a sense of control. The only control I had up until that point. I also began SI at that time.

    I’ve struggled with anorexia for long bouts of time as well. At one point getting down to 90lbs at 6 feet tall. Although today, I am at a healthy weight for my height, I struggle every single day with the tormenting thoughts. The self hatred that burns inside of me. I want to puke each time I catch a look at myself without clothes on. I do my best to avoid mirrors at those times.

    I want to learn healthy coping methods…all I know is self destruction at its finest. All I know is hate and anger inside my mind. All I have ever known is a constant state of deep depression, cycling with rage/depression.

    I hate my mind. I hate my body. I want out of this nightmare.

    Thanks for listening if you’ve made it this far. :c021:

    -Jess

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