Well, hi. I’m 20 years old and my eating habits is out of control at the moment.
I’ve always suffered from ED ever since i was twelve (started with Anorexia and developed to Binge eating), and in my mind I’ve always been suffering, but despite of that I have been able to control my weight by starving, bingeing, starving etc.
But now it’s different. I binge several times a week, and my “good” days is decreasing. This really frightens me, and I find it hard to even get up in the morning. The only thing that keeps me going is to get the rush from overeating. I love the feeling of letting go of the control – even though I’m a total control freak. It’s so weird. The only thing I want is control, but I keep doing the opposite.
When I look back at my life I only see suffering. I can’t count the times I’ve been crying so much I can’t breathe because of this, all the times I’ve been lying that I want to go to the movies with my boyfriend when I really just would have a reason to eat sweets, all the times I’ve manipulated my friends to go to the restaurant just to get the rush of eating, all the MONEY I’VE SPENT ON FOOD, all the things I’ve missed in school because my mind was set on the “why the hell did you binge yesterday”-thoughts, all the times I’ve avoided parties because I feel fat (and instead I would sit in the cough eating Ben&Jerry’s), all the the times I’ve made a fool out of myself because I was high on the rush, all the zillion times I’ve failed a diet, and so on.
I went to OA when i was 17, but it soon faded away because I didn’t had the time to travel (1 hour away) and because I was ashamed when I had binged to much.
Now I will try to do this again. I will attend online OA meetings, and I want to eat less food without falling off the wagon and get those crazy “I-wanna-eat-it-all”-cravings. What shall I do? I’m desperate and resigned. I wanna start living my life before I get much older. (Sorry for my english, I’m Swedish, lol.)