AnonymousJune 17, 2017 at 5:46 pmPost count: 165
I have been experiencing depressive symptoms once again. I was hoping at the start that they would go away and pass quickly but it looks like they are here to stay awhile. How I hate this part of bipolar. The ups I can live with and manage but the downs go so far down that it is hard to breathe let alone live. I am so tired right now of life, of trying, fighting to get the right meds, starting meds that work for a short time then stop, etc… I have been struggling really bad with this for the past 5 years. I have been unable to work since then. I am tired of fighting with the disability people, they think if it can’t be seen then it isn’t real.
Part of my illness is that innate behavior of automatically acting like all is well in front of others. This is one thing that has hurt me with the disability board. I can write this here because it is just writing not face to face. I was raised to have the outside look good going on no matter what the inside felt like or looked like. We were not aloud to cry or show emotion in my home we would be punished for it then get in trouble for crying about the spankings or verbal abuse or physical abuse that went on. This was from a very early age when children should be allowed to cry over a skinned knee. I hate that part of me. When the doctor asks me how things are going the first thing out of my mouth is “ok”. Rather than “Things are F***** up right now and I don’t know what to do about it”. It seems the best I can do is tell them the meds don’t seem to be working to control the symptoms but it comes across in such a clinical and unemotional way rather than a personal way I think sometimes they don’t get how bad things really are.
I have appointments with both my psychiatrist and psychologist next week. I am praying I can come across with what is really going on inside rather than that innate response of “ok” or the clinical unemotional response of the meds are not working because the symptoms are still present without being able to express the urgency of the symptoms; The suicidal thoughts, the feeling of falling off a cliff, the nightmares, the increased anxiety, the spinning thoughts, the edginess, the loss of color in my life, the blackness, the lack of energy, etc…. I know the easy thing to do would be to print this off and show it to my doctor but to get past the embarrassment of not being able to verbalize my needs is something that I don’t know if I can do.
It is sad that I am the first to state that we need to be our own advocates in mental health care but I struggle with doing that. Guess it is easier to talk than to act sometimes. To know what to do but not be able to apply it to ones own life.
Don’t know what to do to change this right now. I am making a list of things to try to take in to my appointment but that comes across so clinical and false when I present with the look good of everything is ok on the outside it appears as a contradiction. Not sure exactly why I am posting this except to get it out of my head and on paper for a bit.
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