How have ya all dealt with the I coulda shoulda done more……the nerve wracking what ifs? I will do just fine for a few days and then I feel just rotten inside, and sad and I start to think well if I would have done this or done that it would be different…………then it goes onto I feel tremendous guilty feelings for everytime i was mean or all the times I just could not deal with his problems and had to back off for awhile………..I feel soooo guilty for not being stronger, so guilty for being sick myself. I feel soooo guilty for the DNR order…….guilt guilt guilt. I know i need to just move past it and know I did the best i could, but I just can’t.
I gave my 2 week notice at work yesterday. I am also grieving that, my health has gotten so bad I just cant work anymore and I worry constantly that my family will have to watch me suffer like I watched my dad suffer and I just feel all amess in my head and so sad. Sadness can be soo heavy, feels like a ton of bricks and cinderblocks on my back and shoulders.
I am going to make it through this, just tonight i feel so alone and so sad.