My Story – Darklight – Addiction to Rehabilitation
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My Story – Darklight2019-05-13T19:58:12-08:00
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  • Anonymous
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    I am a grateful, recovering sex addict and an alcoholic. This is short version of my story of recovery from Sex Addiction.

    When I was 3 years old, I was sexually molested by my mother. This went on for two years. Until I got into recovery, my mother was unhealthily emmeshed with me and treated me like dirt. She was emotionally, physically, and spiritually abusive to me.

    Both my parents were alcoholics; my father was also a sex addict.

    What I learned in childhood was this: I am a bad person. I am unlovable and do not deserve love. I have no rights to privacy. I am not allowed to be myself. I am not allowed to have feelings. I am not allowed to express my emotions. I am a failure; I will always be a failure. I only have value when I am doing what others want.

    I grew up having sexual relationions with other kids in my neighborhood, especially two girls who were being sexually abused by their father.

    I viewed my first pornographic magazine at age 5. I lost my virginity at age 7. I had my first drink of alcohol at age 9.

    Throughout my childhood and teen years I compulsively masturbated and sexualized other people.

    When I was 16, I began to hang out around gay bars, adult stores, and similar establishments to pick up adult men whom I could have sex with.

    When I was in my 20’s I had sex with over 150 women and 30 men. All of it was empty and I always felt ashamed and worthless afterwards. When the internet came out, I would download porn every day.

    I also began to drink compulsively in a vain attempt to bury my feelings. Many times I would black out and wake up in a strange bed with a strange person and have no idea how I got there.

    In my late 20’s I began to do coke, pot, acid, ecstacy, and shrooms. I became addicted to pot and alternated between using it and alcohol for the next ten years.

    In my 30’s, I got married but couldn’t stop acting out sexually. I still compulsively masturbated, downloaded porn, and sexualized my friends, coworkers, and even one of my relatives.

    I had three affairs while I was married. I was completely out of control and powerless to stop. I have attempted suicide three times. After the 3rd affair, I bought a gun and planned to shoot myself in the head in December 2004.

    Three days before I planned to kill myself, I had a Moment of Clarity.
    I was sitting on the back porch of our house and I realized two things: I did not want to die, and, I could not stop acting out sexually. I realized that I needed help and unless I asked for it, I would soon be dead.

    Four days later, I entered a inpatient treatment center called The Meadows. They specialized in sex addiction and drug / alcohol treatment. I went to my first 12-step meeting there, and for the first time raised my hand and said, “I am a Sex Addict.”

    At the time I was an strong, educated, militant atheist. Two years later, I was in the bathtub reading Bill’s Story in the Big Book. I got out of the tub and prayed for the first time, “God, if there is a god, help me. I can’t do this alone. I make myself your servant. I want to do your will.”

    In that moment, I felt – for the first time in my life – the literal presence of God. I realized that God had been with me all along but was waiting for me to surrender.

    I quit doing drugs that year and have been sober from drugs ever since. I have strugged with my AA sobriety from time to time and still do (had a slip two months ago). I began working a much stonger program of recovery around my sex addiction.

    I had been going to another s-fellowship, but hadn’t been able to get sober in it. I then joined SAA (Sex Addicts Anonymous). I got a sponsor and started working the steps. SAA works the steps differently that most 12-step programs and they generally take longer to work.

    Today, my the grace of God, I have 23 months sobriety from sex addiction. I am active in my local intergroup and also work in general Outreach at the international level. I am nearly done with my 5th step and have my first sponsee.

    I have stepped out of the darkness and into the light.

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