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need the other side’s perspective2011-06-04T08:36:03-08:00

Self Help Recovery from Addictions Forums Mental Health need the other side’s perspective

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  • Anonymous
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    hello, im usually on the friends and family side, but realized the valuable information that is available in this forum.

    i have a 33 year-old xAbf that has had depression since his teens, which i actually think is more of a personality disorder because it’s not really a “mood” and more like a constant way of being/thought pattern with him. he’s tried to commit suicide; he’s never finished anything he’s started; always/constantly is waiting for it all to end because he sees his life as just a huge burden; addicted to alcohol and has progressed into alcoholic (ending of relationship)

    we were together (off and on) for 2.5 years and went out in a “huge flaming ball of dramatics” about five months ago. we were in no contact mode this whole time, because it escalated to that being necessary. he was verbally/emotionally abusive the entire time, which i didn’t realize until i was looking at us from the outside perspective–and we basically had to end when the physical THREATS toward me started (he never hit me, but just the beginnings of the threats scared me enough).

    anyway, we accidentally ran into each other a week ago and surprisingly enough he wasn’t angry toward me or dismissive. he was trying hard to be engaging. i, on the other hand–was scared and had my defenses up (i.e when he gave me a parting hug, i couldnt return it). i informed him that i am actually moving out of state in less than month (to a place we had both wanted to move to together). as we were parting, he said “you should email/text/call me some time and maybe we can grab a lunch or something”. i didn’t say anything in return at that time because i was just scared to open anything up with him (even though, i DO want to because i DO still care about him and would like some sort of connection salvaged with him).

    so, fastforward to a week later… and i contact him and say “hi–do you still want to grab a coffee or a lunch?” he said yes… we started exchanging information on when the best times would be for the both of us… and when i was finally putting out there this weekend… he writes “y do you want to hang out? u seemed pretty upset the other day. this doesn’t make any sense. im afraid it’s just going to be more of the same depressing uncomfortableness”.

    wtf!? why’d he even extend the invite in the first place? or at the very least why did he say “yes” when i asked if he was still up for it and start to plan it all out and then back out at the last minute???

    i felt slightly like i was being manipulated again–like 1) i’d have to apologize for my feelings that made me seem “upset” when we did run into each other… and 2) i’d have to make sure that when we did hang out that it wouldn’t be “depressing” or “uncomfortable” (which i cant promise since we’re dealing with a post-break-up meeting!)

    any insight would be great. i hate getting made to feel like im so horrible that i have to be avoided. how do i approach him to tell him that im still here for him if he needs support? in the past, i know he has pushed me away because my caring for him was burdensome (especially with the guilt of alcoholism plague-ing his mind)… only to be told the next day that he wishes he wasn’t inadvertently pushing me away and that the only truth he knows is that “he will love me till the day he dies”. what do i do? the friends and family forum basically point me to letting him go, but i just cant seem to really convince myself that that’s the road i’d want to go down. underneath the alcoholic, there is a man i’d like to be with. i could deal with supporting him through his mental issues, it just got scary when alcohol started speaking/acting for him.

    as a sidenote: he sees a psychoANALYST that has convinced him out of joining AA even though they both agree he is addicted to alcohol. and the analyst texts/calls with him up till 11:30 at night on top of already seeing him twice a week–is that ethical therapy practice??? i feel like it’s just feeding his sickness of being dependent.

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