AnonymousInactiveApril 7, 2019 at 8:50 pmPost count: 165
I am not sure if this belongs here but I need to talk about it. I know that it does not compare to the death of someone close to us but it is extremely painful and hard to move past so I am sharing it in hopes someone may have some words of wisdom or comfort to offer.
I am a recovering alcoholic. I have been sober since March 2001. In September of 2001 I was involved in a major motorcycle accident. I went over the side of a cliff. It left me in the hospital for a month (4 units of blood, a rod and pins implanted in my right thigh due to the bone being shattered in several places, a broken right collar bone, tendon and tissue damage to my right shoulder where a tree branch lodge into it during my fall, a broken left wrist, and muscle and tendon damage to my left thigh). In December 2001 I was still in a wheelchair unsure if I would be able to walk without assistance again or if I would be able to return to the career I had. I was on major pain medications so my judgement was not the best.
That is when my ex-husband asked me if he could take my daughter, whom I had custody of, with him to live in another state so he could help his mother out since his father had recently died. My ex-husband and I had been through many custody battles prior to this but he seemed to be turning things around and truly wanting to make a friendship work for the sake of our daughter. He promised that she would spend each summer with me and every other holiday. She was 5 at the time. I was unsure how I was going to be able to provide financially for myself let alone my children so against what should have been better judgement I allowed her to go with him.
Over the years he always had an excuse not to send her out to see me. Even when I was willing to pay for the visits. I was willing to borrow money from friends to have it. I was still trying to recover financially and physically from the accident and huge medical bills that were incurred. I was not able to return to my previous profession as a nurse and had to settle for less pay but still was able to work in the medical field. I knew that I could not afford to spend the money to fly out there to see her, rent a car, pay for a motel and food etc… I did make the trip once and knew I could not afford to do it again financially. I spent a week with her then, she was 7. I always maintained phone contact with her and email contact. I always sent him money any time he asked for it and every fall to ensure she had school clothes and supplies. I sent money each month to help with her care. I wound up with Post traumatic stress disorder in the middle of all this due to my career, the accident, and childhood issues. This made it impossible to hold down a full time or even part time job. I was making money by doing odd jobs for friends. That is the only way I had money to send to her after 2006.
2 years ago this past March the day before my daughters birthday she called me. She was wanting money. The amount of money she wanted was for a car, needless to say I did not have it. The conversation then went to she did not want anything to do with me other than money. I told her I did not have that kind of money to send her as I am unemployed. I tried to tell her that I loved her. She became angry and told me never to contact her again. She did not want to know me, she did not want anything to do with me, and she had no memory of me ever being a parent to her so I was nothing to her. I told her that when she decided she wanted a mother I would be there. I make a point not to change my phone number because of this.
That was 2 years ago. In the meantime she has maintained contact with her two older sisters but will not even discuss me with them although they have tried to alleviate the situation. She blocked me on facebook because I was on my older childrens family list. She has made it clear I am nothing to her and she does not want me in her life.
I can not describe the pain that this causes especially around her birthday. This birthday was an extremely hard one for me. I have felt the pain of losing a family member to death and this pain is so similar. I know that their is a difference as she is still alive even if I am dead to her so there may still be hope that she will reconcile with me. But at this point I can not allow myself to hold out any hope for that as I can not handle the pain of having hope only to have it crushed each year that she does not contact me. the pain feels like she has died and her father murdered her. I can not even put into words how horrible this pain is and how it will not go away or ease up only gets worse with time. Most of the time I just let myself believe she is dead as it is easier to take than to have any hope at all or feel the guilt and regret that I carry inside for ever letting this happen in the first place by trusting her father. She turned 16 this year.
I don’t know if anyone can help me here but I guess I mainly just wanted to get it off my chest. Thanks for taking the time to read this long post.
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