I went to my first AA meeting about 3 weeks ago. I went to figure out where I was in this whole process. I went home and drank that night. The next day, I read the first 164 pages of BB and decided that I am an alcoholic. I kept going to meetings and was doing well. I really did not have any cravings, until Saturday (day 20). I was meeting my ex husband to drop off our son and all I could think about was where I was going to buy some beer. Sure enough, I did. It crossed my mind to call someone, but I didn’t want to. I got home and popped the beer. I just stood there smelling it, trying to decide what to do. I finally gave in and drank and 5 more followed. Once I decided I had enough, I poured everything else out. I did end up reaching out to a fellow AA member AFTER the fact. I feel so much shame now for what I have done. I know that it is just a bump in my road to recovery, but I am having a hard time forgiving myself. I really don’t want to drink again. It didn’t taste as good as I remembered and definitely was not worth what I am going through now.
I am trying to focus on the 20 days I was sober and how great I felt. No drunk texting, no headaches, no regrets.